meximick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Listening to Crooked Fingers isn't helping... I have no where to put my ideas down or share with anyone, but I have you, stupid web log. So I fucked something up with my best friend in NYC. I'm not sure what, but I keep blaming myself. Wonder if I had more friends here if I would be agonizing over this as much as I am. The truth is I need her friendship more than she needs mine. I should be nursing this relationship like a fucking hurt sparrow, but I just sat on it. I sent her an apology through facebook, which is very lame because I've never sent her an email. She's my first contact on my phone. We're in every class together. I fucking hate hearing "I'm fine." Whether its coming from my 7th grader at my internship who's going through hell at home with a guilt-ridden, short-attention span mom, or my friend who prolly wants to tell me something I don't want to hear, "I'm fine" is pretty meaningless. Saying nothing by saying something. I used to use "I'm fine" when people asked me how I was doing and I was anything but fine. But what can you say to someone who parries with "I'm fine" without browbeating them? And why don't I have more friends? Even for people I'm in school with - we're just 'school friends'. I feel like a loser having lost one of my only friends in one of the biggest cities in the world. I replied to a craigslist ad on Sunday. I'm trying not to think too hard why she hasn't gotten back to me. This is the email: Hi- Thanks for the entertaining ad. Sorry for the lateness in my reply, but I've just moved to Queens from Long Island and am adjusting to balancing settling in with my internships and graduate school (school counseling, fyi). Things in your ad that caught my attention: Blade Runner (a favorite of mine - saw it on the big screen when "The Final Cut" was released), Radiohead, Tribe Called Quest, and your wit & sense of humor. I love all kinds of music (60+ Gigs on my zune), but my usual rotation is equal parts hip hop (Nas, Jay-Z, Wu-Tang, MF Doom), altrock or whatever (Elvis Costello, Death Cab for Cutie, Wilco, The Cure, The Smiths), some punk rock (Descendents, Screeching Weasel, Op Ivy), blues (Howlin Wolf, Muddy Waters), jazz (Coltrane, Django Reinhardt), classical & opera, and This American Life on NPR. I like to read, but with school, my pile of fun books keeps growing taller. I seem to go for non-fiction over fiction typically. I just watched "Perseoplis" last night - I recommend. I have a great sense of humor too. The last concert I went to was Of Montreal, but that was over a year ago, and I need to see more live music. Lived in Chicago for 7 years, which was great, but did not get me on to a career track. Relocated to NY for grad school and I'm learning as much as I can and taking advantage of this experience before I graduate in May. So I'll leave it at that for now. Feel free to write back. I attached a pic. Rock on, And I attached a pic that I thought was good. And I pretty much hate most pics of me. But I'm trying not to dwell. I wish I had more amusing things to say on this page, like I used to do so many years ago. In lieu of seeing my counselor, you'll have to suffice. I'm repeating patterns set up by my parents. The choices I've made are mine, but I fear becoming as sad & lonely as they are. I haven't been in touch with my father in forever. He's given up too, I think. I trick myself by busying myself with everything else but thinking about how I can be a better person. I'm going to be a great counselor, but I've always been better at trying to fix other people than fixing myself. I just checked my phone again for the dozenth time since I sent her that lame email. I like myself, and people like me. I have a number of good qualities - humor, honesty, caring, awesome music taste, I'm smart. Hell, I've lost 20 lbs going to the gym this month. I take the stairs like a motherfucker now. I feel like this situation has fucked me up more than I expected it to because it pulled the rug out from me and now I'm on the floor and have to pick myself up only to look around and see no one's there and I can't imagine how much worse I'd be if I didn't like myself. 9:21 p.m. - 2009-04-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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