meximick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So it has truly come to this... So mom is coming tomorrow. This will be the first time I've seen her in 2 years. And probably will be the first time I speak with her in almost that long. Mom cut me and brother off then. No communication effort on her part. We tried repeatedly via phone and email. She never explained why other than we were terrible sons. I disagree. She's got layers of long term sadness which prevent her from dealing with past traumas. She has both suffered and caused emotional distress with people in her life. She sees herself as a constant victim. Attributes her fate to bad luck more so than bad choices. She told him in their last call, "This is just gonna have to be the way it is." Sis-in-law sprung this on the both of us, citing the children s' need to know both sets of parents. Hey, let's introduce them to my Dad, while we're at it. Drunk as he was, he was the more loving of the two. While I understand where her situation comes from better, it still hurts. She wishes I was still 8, and never disagreed. It still bothers me that I could never be close to her. I haven't found a good way to get that out of therapy. This visit may not help. It was really unfair to drop this on us without discussing anything. Shady and insensitive and I can't say anything because I can't be seen as a bad guy. So I won't. But I don't even know what I want, so I'll just play it like a family friend is visiting. No expectations.So that, plus I'm bald. I think I have to shave my head. I fucking love my life right now. There had better be some future karmic reward for this involving fornication. My hair is short now, but I never really studied the back of my head but today I caught a glimpse of myself in a Popeye's security cam, and it changed my life, and not in the good way, like when you're about to stop a robbery, or commit a robbery. I mean the video image is never kind with those overhead security deals, and I think I was in some sort of bald guy denial, as just this past weekend I was chilling in a hotel suite with people from school - a guy and two chicks I would have loved to see get awesome with each other. But they didn't or maybe they did and I don't remember and all I got was a flying elbow dropped on me by the tall one as I drunkenly slept and drunkenly snuggled with the other but nothing happened and I was a wreck the next day. So photos were taken. I definitely recall appearing slightly balder in them, but looking at today's video testimony, I've reached conclusions. Also my school ID makes me appear to be a suspected pedophile. I'm not a fan. I've moved past depression, my mourning phase is winding down and the acceptance is setting in.conclusions - not getting more attractive. This horrible, stinging news is the motivator I need to push me to work on being physically better. I know exactly what to do, but didn't push myself before. Part one - cease going to Popeye's. Plus take a multivitamin, you fat bastard. Also be nicer to yourself. You're pretty much all you've got. I stared at bald guys heads in traffic tonight. Could not help it. I have to get used to being identified as a bald guy, or a bald white guy. "That bald guy right there." "Next to the bald guy." I mean its not like I'm really tall or short, which is something where you have a long time to adjust to your condition, this shit took about 2 years until calling for drastic change. I think I'm ready to let go. So I need some shaving supplies and some heavy sunblock. I truly have to make this work for me if I ever hope to get laid again. And I'm hopeful as a motherfucker. I'd give myself better than even odds of making this change permanently. nuge. 7:46 p.m. - 2008-11-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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