meximick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- putting it all out there I think about you all the time. But that might be because I haven't touched anyone since I last touched you. I miss affection. I miss our affection. We were so very into each other for a brief moment, it seems. I think about that intensity of our closeness. And I miss it. I can still see your face. The looks you gave me. I see you now and wish I could reach out to you. You would make me feel better like you almost always did. I remember your favorite spot on my face below my eye, above my cheekbone. No one ever had a favorite spot on my face. I fantasize about you too. I picture you naked all the time. I know I told you before but you had (have?!) an amazing body. Your fashion sense typically gave observers something clever and well-assembled to admire, but I was never one for fashion. I knew you were well put together both outside and beneath. I miss the sex, for absolutely sure, but the void I feel is broader than that. Its lacking the ability to reach out and touch someone you care about for no reason other than you can. Because they're there. You were there, and that's why I miss you now. I see the joy on my niece's face when she crushes herself into her favorite bear. I join in for a group hug. I sneak my affection in where I can. But it's not the same... I have no one I can physically lean on. Or hold. It makes me sad to even type that, but its true. And I'm not one to ask friends or my brother, "I've had a tough day, could I lean on you for a while?" or "Can I just hold you a minute or two?" I think people like me need physical affection to be ok. Like a vitamin for the soul. I can get by without it, I mean I haven't died from lack of affection, but I'm healthier if I get it. There's a friend at school who I kiss and hug hello and goodbye. Those are generally the best moments of my day. I wish I could stay there for a moment longer, but I won't. I'm lucky to have what I have. My relationship with her will not move past this stage, but I think about those moments often as well. I was upstate for about 27 hours last weekend. Mom was laid up and I went to visit her and dad and had return quickly for my job. I basically went up to chit-chat, vacuum, dust, and eat chicken sandwiches. It was awesome. I miss home. Everything slowed down. I thought of a girl who I graduated with from high school. I know she moved back to town and works as a bank manager. I thought about what it might be like to marry her and live there. I could do it. I can live simpler, yet still be plugged into the cultural things I enjoy. We would both work, and be able to afford a modest house and live comfortably. We would have everything we needed within a 20 minute drive, and Syracuse about 40 minutes away. I've got the irrational plan, now all I need is her. I miss the countryside - the trees, the sky without the streetlight saturation. The snow. Building fires. I want to stare at a green, rolling field when the wind picks up before a rainstorm and watch it rise and flow like the sea. I like long drives to places, and stops along the way, and knowing out of the way shortcuts or shortcuts that make the trip even longer because we find interesting things along the way we didn't know were there, like roadside fruit and vegetable stands or a hilltop with an amazing view or a yard filled with homemade windmills. Or that rise in the middle of Indian Town Road on the way to Sherrill where your stomach leaps up inside you when you drive fast. I know this feeling will leave me someday. I hope I won't be too much for her though. 6:47 p.m. - 2008-11-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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