meximick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mommyissues Word. So it's not that I have been too wrapped up in the holidays to D'land - it's just that I haven't had too much to say lately. Life goes on. Christmas and getting lots of loot was a nice break, but right now I'm just coasting... More complaints from me:- back hurts -job sucks -lost my Chap Stick -broke until Friday -Then broke again until next payday -can't find reliable dealer -hair unkempt -laundry piling up -out of shape -unorganized. I'm ok, actually. I just enjoy complaining in general. Here's where I talk about my mommy issues because that's been on my mind for a few days... So I talked to my mom on Christmas night, and I couldn't wait for her to hang up. I don't want to give up on whatever kind of relationship we have, but I have no advice for her anymore. She is terribly frustrated and depressed about moving across the country four months ago for reasons she now can't understand anymore, and I have few soothing words to stop her from feeling this way. And it bothers me. She's 50-something (she never told me or my brother her true age - odd) and has great administrative [read: secretarial] skills. She can't find a job in the San Diego area, and somehow attributes it to a lack of hiring in California or some form of racial discrimination or the fact that in all her years of employment, she never once had to use MS Excel, which is now a standard application in most of the fucking nation. She is now at a retail job that pays her around $8/hour. This in a time of the lowest unemployment this country has ever seen.... I have always noticed her tendency to discriminate between her "more pure" Spanish heritage from the lower-class Mexicans she has dealt with. It's a product of American way of life, I think."Racism is as American as apple pie."-Huey B. NewtonNow she is immersed in a part of the country where she is surrounded by the "fucking Mexicans", as she calls them, who she has described to me at times as, "having no class, and no manners" She feels discriminated against by everyone - whites, blacks, and now people of her own heritage. She wonders if this might be a reason she can't find a job. I think it's her fucking attitude and her inability to pleasantly interact with anyone on a social level...She's passed on veiled threats to my brother and myself at various points over the years - "you'll be sorry when I'm dead" "Don't be surprised if you find out someday that I'm dead" "I should just kill myself and get it over with",, and other, now increasingly forgettable statements. So what am I supposed to take as the truth? Am I the bad son? Do I stop trying? Give up on my mom? It's getting harder to be there for her to cry to.When I was still in school, begging her to go with me to a family counselor so we could try and resolve some issues because we were constantly yelling at each other, she said to me, "You're the one who needs help." Once, a few years ago, after a long conversation with my older brother, when she was amazingly allowing him to get through to her without an argument, while she sat and listened to his reasoned explanation as to why we could all benefit from going to a family therapist, she ended the conversation by asking him, "What should I do - go kill myself?" Fucked, isn't it? She repeatedly called herself "a failure" on our phone call Christmas night. All I could say to her was, "No you aren't, Mom. Stop saying that. That's not true and you know it." After someone just keeps giving up on their lives, maintains they are constantly the victim of circumstances beyond their control, sees no positivity in a new situation they have despirately placed themselves in, maintains an uncommunicative front........ 21:12:46 - 2000-12-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||