meximick's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cloudy today, high temp of 59 hello. I can't tell whether I'm depressed or not. I guess to look at me, you might initially think that, but I've felt sadder in my life and not wondered if I was actually depressed. ok, let's run down the list... - Little to no concern about anything regarding my current job. Is this a new thing? - Little to no desire to find a more satisfying job. Again, see above. - Live by a financially idiotic habit of never knowing at any moment exactly how much money I should have in my account. Um... Yeah. - No ambition. - General disorganization in life. - Out of shape physically. - Make internet friends much more easily than real friends as of late. Is that sad? I can't tell. So add these up and what does it say? I'm not sure. I don't feel happy. I don't know where I am in life. Not sure what I want, specifically. Come August, we'll need a new roommate as Mark is leaving for grad school. Am I ever going to go to grad school? For what? How will I pay for it? When will I become more responsible for my own life? What's going to happen to me tomorrow? I wish I knew. I hate going through the motions at work everyday. Acting like I'm actually concerned about the people I work with or the things I do on a daily basis. People at work say things to me all day, and I could care less. I look as if I'm paying close attention, but I'm really not. I am no one's friend here. Not even an acquaintance. I'm just filling space. I add nothing to this office, personality-wise. That in itself doesn't bother me, because most of the personalities in this office are just awful, and so I am glad for them not knowing I secretly loathe them and loathe everything about being here, doing what I do. Or for them neither knowing nor caring about who I am or what I am like as a person. Could I be more fucking depressing? And then I compare my bullshit problems (are they really?) to the things other people in the world (or even just people on Diaryland) are going through and wonder why I'm even writing this. But life is ok. I have all I that need and more. I like myself. I live in a great city with pleasant neighbors. I work at a full-time job with good benefits. I get paid twice a month. And I prolly do much less work than you. luvyou, -m 9:02 p.m. - 2001-04-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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